Texas, the Lone Star State, has made waves by passing what is currently the most restrictive abortion law in the United States of America. The law essentially bans abortion by making it illegal for individuals to seek one after 6-weeks post-conception, at which point the organism residing within the uterus of the individual is .25 inches and maintains a vestigial tail courtesy of our primate ancestors.
It appears that the righteous reactionaries of our nation are on a successful crusade to return our country to Medieval times, where the Church’s power was uncontested and hocus-pocus and other religious brouhaha was the only permissible science. Instead of resisting the tide of religious power grabs and theocracy, I have a suggestion to speed up the needlessly long defense of any semblance of religious liberty or individual freedom. Here is my idea.
Christians claim that their efforts to ban abortion stem from their desire to protect the “unborn souls” that reside in the womb of an expectant parent. Many claim that life as a we understand it begins at the moment of conception, that is the moment in which the sperm and egg combine in a glorious fashion following the less than Christ-like behavior of two human beings. By this logic, one can also come to the conclusion that any waste of these two ingredients, the sperm and egg, is tantamount to the murder of a potential child. Therefore, the wasting of sperm should be viewed in a manner similar to abortions.
My proposal: A law banning male masturbation.
Think about the TRILLIONS of potential human children that are being denied their right to exist on a daily basis. Foolhardy men, without any reverence to our creator, are engaging in this activity and denying these children a chance to be born, make more children, then die. I also highly recommend an addendum to the law: any party that assists in the masturbation of men be charged as a criminal and the informant be paid $10,000.
I have also just come to the realization that the sperm within men die after barely a week of existence. By that logic, every moment in which conception is not being pursued, TRILLIONS of potential human lives are also being denied their right to exist! This is without a doubt the greatest humanitarian crisis of our time.
A second proposal: All individuals at all times must be engaged in sexual intercourse.
To not be in an endless pursuit of conception is a spit in the eye to all that is holy and righteous in the world. This is the only logical conclusion to the quest of America’s puritans, those holy folks who are leading us down the path of a glorious moral awakening. I encourage all faithful American’s to write to their representatives in pursuit of this cause, together we can save the trillions of potential American patriots that are waiting at the ready within every red-blooded American man’s testes.
Blessed be the fruit.
